Ruminations

Just a few months ago my heart was warm with the feeling that soon there would be new baby coos, cute clothes, shared experiences, and the love and joy a new baby brings.  Sadly, my life did not bring those experiences.  My life abruptly began a new chapter when my baby died in utero at 17 weeks. Sept. 1st was my due date.  Although my arms ache to hold the child they never will, my heart will always hold him close to me.  While I am sad that today didn't meet my earlier expectation, I did want to share some unexpected blessings I have received in my life as a direct result of this event. First, people from all different parts of my life reached out to me.  Some of these people I talk to on a daily basis and others I haven't had a talking relationship with in years.  Knowing these people wanted to reach out during such a difficult time helped me feel cared for even if I wasn't sure how to respond to their well-intentioned offerings.  It has helped me...

This experience was not written to elicit sympathy. I have chosen to write my very detailed experience in an effort to honor my child, to benefit from writing’s therapy, to inform those interested in what transpired, and to offer empathy and hope to anyone else who has entered this circle. Note: This post contains photos of my baby, which was delivered at 17 weeks. Introduction to miscarriage Before I had my first miscarriage, I really did not know anything about them. This section can help anyone who is interested understand more about miscarriage. Around 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, or 30% if you count all the pregnancies that end in miscarriage that are never even known. These miscarriages happen during the first 13 weeks of pregnancy, known as the first trimester. Sean and I have experienced a miscarriage at 12 weeks as well; it was our first pregnancy. About 50% of these miscarriages result in the woman having a D&C to prevent hemorrhaging and infection...

I thought I should update anyone wondering how my anxiety has been over the last year. I am so happy to say that I feel much better! There are three reasons that contributed to this, in my opinion: 1. I relied on the Savior, Jesus Christ. I know many question (even I have at times) how one can rely on someone else that is not here on the Earth, that is seemingly dead and possibly non existent. I will tell you that my testimony of Him grew more during this time in my life than it ever had before. I spent much time in prayer, meditation, and scripture study. I joined my sister in law's Lent group (as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I don't typically participate in Lent) in which I truly studied the life of the Savior every day for 40 days. There were several days that meant more to me than others. If you're interested, I'll gladly share them with you. But, I can say that Jesus Christ is not dead. He is very much alive and He has such a desire...